Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
