I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
