Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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