So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
