How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
