Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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