he thought i was a dude.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
