Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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