...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
