I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
