Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
