Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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