He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
