absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
