And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
