i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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