goodnight i made you a song goodbye
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
