To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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