I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Green mimosas i think yes
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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