Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
