Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
