He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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