Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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