You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
