yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
