I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
