3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
