I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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