I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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