I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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