goodnight i made you a song goodbye
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
