Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
