if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
