I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
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I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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