I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
