sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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