so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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