i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
