My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
