FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
