i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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