A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
