Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
