yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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