She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
