That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
