Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
