just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
