youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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