Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
