I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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