he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
